False Hope, Brought to Fruition

 This poem of hope to bring our love back was not able to be written at first, due to the lack of hope I had...

2 days, 3 days, and more later, a little bit of hope returns. But this seething burn of this break is still taking it's turn to continually burn my inner being. I am told "friends is all we can be as I need to become a better me to treat you how you deserve to be". That statement kills me.

But whatever it takes to be treated better, I will do whatever, go through whatever and be here whenever for things to get better. The cursed ex trying to test my strength, our strength in us by flashing her financial strengths that she has above me. Trying to hone in my family. Hearing about the things that you do with her or him or whoever makes me feel like nothing will ever work or become better..
That is, until I get better mentally, building my inner strength and vitality to shine vibrantly. While she, dealing with her own obscenities. I AM determined to come out lively and show the world I am proud to be ME!

But she will never leave my mind, no matter how hard I try to eliminate, her presence permeates my head, my heart. Her touch melts my body. She's got this hold on me and it seems to be the case for more than just me. She's got a he and another she and then there's lil ol' me. What a fucking trilogy.

I need to break this triangular shit.  Someday and somehow it will happen, wishing the time was now. It seems somehow the obvious signs just pass right through me. How stupid of me.

Fuck it. This series will have its finale. No more entertaining this travesty of a relationship for me.

Hope stays within me but I need to deal with the demons that continually haunt me. The demons of ignorance, negligence, letting myself take in abuse and be labeled as a pestilence which isn't so. Make no sense why I can't let the abuse go.

I pray one day her mean and abusive words and actions will go away and be gone. I'm so far gone...in this...slipping...drowning...not knowing whether I will live through this or die trying. I will not let this shit kill me!

I will not let the presence of her others affect my individuality. I'm a bad ass bitch and I know it. I represent my shit and I'm 100% legit! I am determined...to salvage, to rampage, to grace the stage and for once accept some praise. I am determined..to bring her home..where she belongs.

If my determination proves to be foregone, then I belong somewhere else.

Where else may that be?

I don't know ;""(

Years later,

I'll tell you where else that has been. Far away from her, her demons, and her evil schemes.

As it turned out, she never changed her sadistic ways. As a matter of fact, she became worse than ever. Beyond normal wear and tear. Drug addiction via her own hands (from theft of my medical necessities) turned her into a ravenous, predatory whore. But that was only a portion of the endless cycle of mental, verbal, emotional and sexual abuse she soaked me in. Piss infested and chock full of feces were her actions, her words; a dirty toilet bowl was the container where her soul retained its wickedness. 

I had to run, as fast as I could, to another coast, another place to save myself from her shitstorm of a life. She claimed I was "the one" while thieving away once again to feed her appetite for the "party" life. Utilizing my loyalty and yearning for a family to manipulate and degrade my value, again. Ugh, gross. Her spirit reeked of pure brimstone. 

Thank You God, Goddess, Mother Earth, and our Ancestors for giving me that chance. Without You all, I would have lost my complete sanity. Caught in a web of disgusting lies and reprehensible behavior of someone who claimed she was human. I hope, for her sake, she has returned to her human form. But, the last memory of her I will always have, is that of pure demonic energy. She was "the Debil"

I hope to forgive her, completely. One day. But, if I go too far, I may lose the ability to keep her energy from depleting and seeping back into my easygoing soul. So, up, the wall must stay.

As long as she stays away from me, my emotional state and my sanity, will survive.